He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
