In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
