I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
