my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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