we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
