Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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