Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
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