when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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