I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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