Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
