I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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