I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
