I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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