I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
