The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
