I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I got chris browned last night
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
