He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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