i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
