he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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