Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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