handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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