He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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