HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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