I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
