i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I forget how to act sober
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
