One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
