did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
