I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
