I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Randomize
