Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Did I show you my penis last night?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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