I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm always down for nudity.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
