there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
