why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
