which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
wow bdsm is so cute
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
