Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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