At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
