so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
