They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
