I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
