Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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