Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
