I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
