When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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