You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
