I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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