she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
