you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
