Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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