Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
