I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
