Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
