I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
